what day is it and did you see me today?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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