I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
