i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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