Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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