so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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