you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He did a backflip because drugs
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