It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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