I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
