I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
