oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
