Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
