I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
