I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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