sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
