Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
