I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize