Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
