this boner is exhausting
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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