he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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