Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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