genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
