She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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