so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
