It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
