I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
