shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
