based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
