the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
