Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
