Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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