Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
