he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
