Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
