Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
drinking out of a sandbucket again
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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