I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
