I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
