He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
