My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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