I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
