when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize