you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
