Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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