It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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