I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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