At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
