the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
