I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
