I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
