Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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