im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
