Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
