That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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