How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
