I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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