if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
