How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
