He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
