I just saw a hot homeless man
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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