birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
