I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
