weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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