If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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