I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
