Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
