Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
