What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
