What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
