He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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