My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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