The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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