the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
